Wednesday, December 5, 2007


So, I have this friend, okay? And she calls me up, all, "Usnavys! I'm going to Glamour Shots! Come with me!" And I said, "Are you crazy, girl? You want to waste your money on some pictures that are gonna make you look bad?"

I made her go to a real photographer, okay? And that's because you get what you pay for in life, nena. That's the message of the day. Even a fea flaquita like Minnie Driver can look sexy with the right makeup and lighting. Here. Mira. See for yourself.

(Hoo-Chi-Min ee Driver)

Some of you might have noticed my husband Juan prowling around in the comments area of this blog and whatnot lately. I asked him not to go getting all up in my business here, but you know how it is. Sometimes men don't listen.

Anyway, I'm writing this post today to remind him, as we close in on Christmas (and, no, I'm not going to say "holidays" because I am Puerto Rican and I don't celebrate "holidays" I celebrate Navidad, thank you very much) that you get what you pay for. That's all I'm sayin'.

I'll leave you all (Juan especially) with a picture of what I'd like to find in the box under the bed on Dia de los Reyes.

You get what you pay for. That's all I'm sayin'.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Whiteboys and Oral Sex

I don’t know what it is about whiteboys and oral sex, okay? But the verdict is in and the verdict says them boys got a whole big lot to learn from their Latin brothers, and especially from the Dominicanos, okay?

I am not a racist, and I am not being mean. I’m not trying to offend, just trying to inform, m’ijo. The Latin man, when he sees a woman spread open in all her labial glory on the silk sheets of his lair, looks her over hungrily, like he didn’t get no - I mean any - food for the past two weeks and you and your glistening, hairy pussy are the ripest, juiciest mango that boy ever saw.

What’s that, m'ijo? Did I say hairy? Yes, in fact, I did. And I don’t appreciate how you get all shocked George Clooney bland-faced bullshit on me when I say it, either. Get over it, okay baby? Because that’s tip number one I want all boys reading this blog to take away from here today: If you want to eat the mango like a real Latin lover, get your JFK Junior cheeseburger ass used to some real mango hair, know what I’m saying?

See, Latin men don’t want their women all bald up in there like children, nene. Huh uh. It’s just all the damn borderline pedophile Americanos like Kelsey Grammer who dig that waxy baby look. Latin men like us beautiful women the way God made us, and that means fuzzy where God made us fuzzy, and coiffed and clean and sweet like candy, and our men are not afraid to get a little extra floss on them back teeth – know what I’m saying, Mister Donny freakin’ Osmond?

Now get flossin', nene. Damn.

Monday, December 3, 2007

You Can Keep The Berman Sisters

Okay, so, you have all heard about the Berman sisters, right? They’re those flaquita women who get all serious up on the TV set about sex and whatnot and what-have-you, and make it sound like sex is the same as taking a piss. Well, they got them some books, too. And some web sites. And Oprah? She loves her some Berman sisters, which is how I came to hear of them.

For the foreseeable future, this blog is going to be dedicated to my interpretation and analysis of the advice of the Berman sisters, from a Latina point-of-view, because we’re the nation’s largest minority and I don’t think we should let las flaquitas esas talk for us.

The first thing I got to say is this: No self-respecting Latina on earth would get up on a stage, on the TV, next to her sister, and talk about sex. It’s not right, m’ija. I’ll talk to my girlfriends about it, and my man.

But I am not about to go getting up there in public, and swinging my stuff around in front of my blood relative, girl. That’s some flat crazy white-girl nonsense right there, okay? It’s like the Barbie twins or something.


I mean, c’mon, girl! Look at the photo of those skinny Bermans, all rubbing up on each other like that. Por el amor de Dios. It’s straight-up incestuous, and the Lusty Latina ain’t about sex with relatives, oiste?

Now, I am serious when I say incest is a white thing, and I don’t say it to be divisive. I say it because it’s a fact. How else can you explain that incest is legal in France, as long as the parties are adults? Or the fact that Germany is the only country where a brother and a sister are in the middle of sueing the government to get rid of incest laws so they could continue their sexual relationship? The German “couple” in question has four children, two of them with severe disabilities due to inbreeding. Hello? They couldn’t shack up with anybody else? Dios mio, dios mio. Or – get this – the fact that in Sweden it is perfectly legal for two people who share one parent by blood to get married?

It all goes back to the Bible, m’ija, where Lott had sex with his own damn daughters to carry on their lineage. Oh, and don’t even get me started with the damn Greeks, okay? You don’t hear about Yemaya or Oshun doing the nasty with their sons, or their brothers.

Ay, no, m’ija. This is what I’m trying to tell you. They say that Latinos are the most mixed-blood people on earth. I attribute to this the fact that we are gorgeous, brilliant and spectacular. And we didn’t get that way by acting like the cochinera Berman sisters, or inbred Germans. We got that way by mixing it up with people outside the family.